Catachan Devil Peppers

All Imperial worlds were required to submit a tithe to the Imperium. It was drawn from the resources and population of the world. The initial tithe was what some referred to as a "sample platter", meaning that it was an exhibition of the different resources the planet had, whether it was in abundance or not. This initial tithe was used to determine what was to be taken in future tithes from the planet.
This did mean that there were occasionally some very strange things found in initial tithes as the planet tried to show off what made it unique in the galaxy. The Emperor often showed the Primarchs the various odd things found in these tithes. Occasionally these odd items included food, either crops or examples of local dishes. The Primarchs always insisted on trying them when this happened.
When Catachan joined the Imperium, they had designated a ship to carry a full year's harvest of Catachan devil peppers to be part of their initial tithe. The people of Catachan stated that they would follow the orders of whoever was able to eat the peppers. However, the ship vanished, becoming lost in the warp. The Primarchs didn't learn of the missing ship until it was five years over due.
"Maybe Father caused the ship to be lost," Magnus said.
"To protect the Army commanders?" Alpharius asked.
"Maybe the Adeptus Terra," Roboute suggested. "The generals of the Army should be able to handle a pepper."
"But, it's just a pepper," Angron said. "How is that a way to measure toughness?"
"Maybe it's a nasty tasting pepper," Fulgrim suggested. He could see that being a good measure of manliness.
"I heard it's supposed to be the hottest pepper in the Imperium," Vulkan said excitedly.
"Maybe it's hot enough to be potentially dangerous," Mortarion said. He found the idea of the peppers very exciting.
"We'll ask Father when he gets home," Horus said.

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"Father, what happened to the Catachan devil peppers?" Magnus asked at dinner.

"It never arrived," the Emperor answered. 

"Did you send it away to protect the new planetary governor?" Lorgar asked.

"No," the Emperor chuckled. "They ran afoul of a warp storm by all reports."

"Oh," Lorgar said, sounding a bit disappointed.

"It is just a pepper, Lorgar," the Emperor chided with a smile. "They aren't that dangerous."

"Are you sure?" Mortarion asked. Konrad looked up expectantly.

"Well, I haven't had one," the Emperor mused. "But none of us are good measure of how dangerous a pepper might be."

"That's probably true," Moartarion agreed with a giggle. "Except for Fulgrim."

"Hey!" Fulgrim said sharply.

"He has a point," Ferrus said. "You have the most sensitive tongue."

"You're taking his side," Fulgrim said. Then he seemed to process how Ferrus had said it. "Wait, was that a compliment?"

"I am fully capable of being nice," Mortarion said.

"It's a weird way to phrase it," Fulgrim replied.

"Fair, I guess," Mortarion said.

The Emperor went quiet a moment, receiving a report from his embedded vox bead. The Primarchs waited to see what the news was. His eyes refocused on the Primarchs a moment later. 

"A ship has just appeared on the edge of the system," the Emperor announced. "It has been identified as the missing Catachan ship."

"The one we were just talking about?" Alpharius asked. The timing seemed off to him, but the Emperor nodded.

"That's creepy," Konrad said with amusement.

"Are the peppers still good?" Mortarion asked, getting excited. 

"Probably," Roboute said. "They were listed as perishable, so they would have placed the peppers in stasis."

"Stasis fields can fail," Mortarion said. "And it's five years late in relative time, but we don't know how long it's been for them."

"It just arrived," the Emperor said, breaking up the debate. "We will know more once it's been investigated."

********************

There was a small box waiting in the kitchen when the Primarchs returned from Nova the next day. They crowded around it, trying to figure out if they could open it before the Emperor returned. 

"It's from Catachan," Perturabo said.

"Maybe it's the peppers," Mortarion suggested. 

"If it is, we should wait for Father," Horus said. The other Primarchs reluctantly agreed with him. 

The Emperor returned almost two hours after the Primarchs had come home. He glanced into the kitchen and seemed surprised that the box was still intact. The Primarchs had gathered behind him, looking up to see what he would do.

"Do you want them now, or with dinner?" the Emperor asked, confirming what was in the package. 

"Now!" Mortarion said, showing Angron-level impatience. The others nodded their agreement. 

With a chuckle, the Emperor turned and opened the box. He pulled out the peppers and handed each of his sons one pepper to eat. There were enough in the box for them to have several. He also took one for himself. The Primarchs waited for him to eat his first so they had some idea of what they were dealing with.

The Emperor took a bite, and raised an eyebrow slightly.

The Primarchs looked at each other, and then ate their peppers at the same time, many putting the whole thing in their mouths. The Lion sputtered, but swallowed his. Fulgrim's face turned a bright red, almost matching Magnus in skin color. Perturabo seemed to be rethinking his life choices. Jaghtatai kept eating his pepper, seeming to enjoy it. Leman's eyes widened, but he had put the whole pepper in his mouth, and for him that meant no going back. Rogal looked ready to spit his out, but noticed that Peturabo hadn't. Konrad's face was a mask of focus. Sanguinius's eyes were watering. Ferrus was the first to go for water, making a disgusted face. Angron looked like he was getting angry. Roboute was the first to spit his out, unable to take the heat. Mortarion was determined not to spit his out. Magnus looked fine, but wasn't eating any more after the large bite he had taken. Horus also spat his bite out. Lorgar started drinking water straight from the tap instead of filling a glass. Vulkan had finished his, and was reaching in the box for another.

"Lorgar, others need water," Corvus gasped. He was half tempted to let Konrad take his tongue so it would stop burning. Alpharius was also staring longingly at the sink, a cup in hand.

"Corvus is right, Lorgar," the Emperor said. Lorgar nodded, giving his brothers an apologetic look as he moved away from the sink.

"I think that answers the question of if it's dangerous for normal humans," Fulgrim said after getting his own glass of water. The Emperor had passed around cups for all of the Priamrchs. "I don't know how some of you were alright."

"I adjusted the heat of the pepper after I ate it," Magnus admitted. No one was surprised at this.

"They like the heat on Chogoris," Jaghatai said.

"As to the people of Nocturne," Vulkan said.  He was on his third pepper.

"It's probably a good thing the Catachans didn't insist on the pepper test," Roboute said. He couldn't imagine a normal human being able to eat one of these peppers without being raised with them.

"How are the peppers?" Malcador asked as he walked into the kitchen. 

"Hot," Fulgrim said. "I don't recommend one."

"Well, now I have to try one," Malcador said, reaching into the box he selected his own pepper and took a bite. The Primarchs looked on with concern, the Emperor chuckled at their reaction.

"It is certainly hot," Malcador said, a hint of color on his face. "But it's not intolerable."

"How did you do that?" Fulgrim asked. "Did you change it, like Magnus did?"

"No," Malcador said with a chuckle. "I like spicy food."

"Oh," Konrad said, looking a little put out by this revelation. 

"The peppers have received a mixed review," the Emperor said to Malcador. "Jaghatai and Vulkan seem to be its biggest fans."

"So I gather," Malcador said. He had already noted that Lorgar's body glove was soaked around his neck. Fulgrim was still sweating from the bite he had, which had been about half the pepper.

"Vulkan, you should stop," the Emperor said as Vulkan reached for another pepper. 

"Alright, Father," Vulkan said, drawing his empty hand back out of the box.

**************************

Fulgrim woke in the middle of the night. He really needed to use the bathroom. Half-asleep, he headed there without much thought. It wasn't uncommon for a Primarch to get up in the night for this reason. The Emperor stated that this was perfectly normal.

He sat, and went about his business. Suddenly his butt felt like someone was using one of Vulkan's brands on it. He screamed out in pain, waking up the rest of the residence. The other Primarchs came out of their rooms, hesitating before trying to open the door. The Emperor came out of his own room, and knocked loudly on the door. Fulgrim stopped, realizing that he probably woke several of his brothers up.

"Are you alright, Fulgrim?" the Emperor asked through the door.

"It hurts," Fulgrim whimpered, embarrassed.

"What hurts?" the Emperor asked, sounding more concerned now.

"My butt," Fulgrim answered. "It burns."

"That is likely from the pepper," the Emperor said. "You'll be fine once you're done." He sent the other Primarchs back to bed. Ferrus threw a last glance at the bathroom door and went down the hallway. Lorgar paused outside the door to his room.

"Father?" he asked, the Emperor stopped next to him. "Will it hurt for everyone?"

"Did you swallow yours?" the Emperor asked in turn.

"No," Lorgar said. "Roboute spit his out, so there's no shame in me doing it."

"Then I doubt you had enough of it to actually cause you any problems," the Emperor said. "Now, back to bed."

"Alright, Father," Lorgar said around a wide yawn.