Prank War

The prank war began with Konrad short-sheeting the Lion's bed. The Lion decided to get back at him, instead of just beating Konrad up. He used a tranquilizer dart that he secreted out of the Apothicarion to ensure Konrad stayed asleep while he used the clear, plastek wrap from the kitchen to trap Konrad on his bed.
The Emperor woke Konrad the next morning, and couldn't help but laugh. He did help Konrad escape his plastek cocoon. The Lion had a smirk when Konrad entered, a bit of plastek was stuck in his hair.
"You have something in your hair, Konrad," Mortarion said. Konrad snarled and clawed at his hair. There was a bit of static cling, so the plastek wrap was still in his hair. Mortarion helped him get it out.
The Primarchs gathered in the living room after breakfast. It was clear that there was going to be a prank war from this. They had the day off from Nova, and were intending to determine rules of engagement.
"I claim the right to prank Malcador," Konrad said almost instantly. "No one else gets him."
"Agreed," Horus said. "Father's not an option for  targeting."
"Agreed," Konrad said.
"What about Valdor?" Sanguinius asked.
Horus thought about it, "Valid target."
"You're out if you get caught," Corvus said.
"Agreed," Horus said.
"You're also out if anyone gets hurt," Konrad said. There was no argument on that point. None of them really wanted to hurt anyone with the prank war. With the rules agreed upon, the prank war began.

**********************

That first day almost seemed like there was no war. This was the day of planning and forging alliances. Though there was some sneaky set up throughout the day. Things started in earnest the next day. Rogal delayed coming out of his morning shower.

"Rogal," the Emperor said, knocking on the bathroom door. "We need to go."

"Alright, Father," Rogal said. He came out, and it became obvious why he had delayed. His hair was a bright shade of blue. He glared at Perturabo, who returned it with a very innocent look. Ferrus hid his smile behind a hand. He intended the prank for Fulgrim, but Rogal got there first.

"I'll shave your head tonight," the Emperor told Rogal, who was clearly displeased with what had happened to his hair. 

"Thank you, Father," Rogal said in the stiff and near formal manner that he had when he was angry. The Emperor managed to hold his laughter back until after he had dropped the Primarchs off.

At Nova, the pranking was stealthy, and mostly focused around shoes. Corvus had his shoe tied to a chair during class while the teacher was out. Sanguinius and Horus ended up with their shoes tied to each other at lunch. This was a near disqualification for whoever had done it though. Sanguinius stood first, and nearly hit a fellow student at the next table over when his wings snapped out so he didn't fall over. 

"Sorry!" Sanguinius said to their fellow student. The other student waved away the apology after looking at Sanguinius' feet.  Horus untangled their shoe laces. 

Angron did get out at the end of the school day as he pulled the Lion's pants down before the Thunderhawk arrived. 

The main front of the prank war was at the Palace though. Fulgrim got soaked by a bucket of water above a door. He was quite angry about it, though he was happy that it didn't turn his hair blue like Rogal's. 

***********************

Sanguinius slipped into the Throneroom. He came up to where Horus was hiding behind a statue. It was the noon recess and the Throneroom was empty save for the two. 

"Did you find it?" Horus asked. Sanguinius nodded and revealed a whoopie cushion.

"I'm surprised Konrad hasn't used it yet," Sanguinius said. Horus shrugged, no one knew when Konrad would strike, or with what. He glanced around and waved Sanguinius forwards.

"Go, while he's still out," Horus said. Sanguinius nodded and launched himself up. He flew straight to Valdor's chair with the whoopie cushion. He dropped it off, turning nearly on wingtip and made it back to the hiding spot.

"This is going to be good," Horus whispered. Sanguinius nodded, excited. 

Valdor came in, and approached his chair. He paused, spotting the whoopie cushion just before he sat. He was certain that he knew who had put it there. Two can play at this game, my king, Valdor thought as he moved the whoopie cushion to the Golden Throne itself.

"He spotted it," Sanguinius said a bit sadly when Valdor didn't sit. Horus looked around the other side of the statue, just in time to see Valdor move the whoopie cushion to the Golden Throne.

"What is he doing?!" Horus hissed.

"Ssssssh! We'll get caught," Sanguinius hissed. They both ducked behind the statue as Valdor turned from the Golden Throne. 

Other people began to filter in, no one was close enough to see the whoopie cushion. The Emperor and Malcador entered together, seeming to be deep in conversation. The Emperor then stepped up to the Golden Throne, and sat directly on the whoopie cushion. There was a loud sound from it, causing the two hidden Primarchs to realize that Konrad had altered it slightly. 

There was complete silence in the Throneroom. All eyes were on the Emperor who had stood straight again as soon as the whoopie cushion had sounded. Valdor cracked first, but only the Emperor and the Primarchs could tell, as Malcador cracked at almost the same instant. The other people present in court seemed very unsure of what to do, though the Primarchs saw several smiles. The Emperor himself also chuckled, before removing the whoopie cushion and sitting again.

***********************

Valdor's first thought the next morning was why am I looking down at my bed? He realized almost as soon as the thought had finished that he was adhered to the ceiling of his cell. He was absolutely sure of who was responsible. He had to wait until another Custodian came by his cell to be let down. Bryth had a hard time not laughing when he answered Valdor's summons.

"How did this happen?" Bryth asked.

"Our master," Valdor said. 

"Why would he do such a thing?" Bryth asked, now confused.

"I may have placed a whoopie cushion on the Golden Throne," Valdor said. "Though in my defense, it was on my chair originally."

"You think our master tried to prank you?" Bryth asked, surprised.

"Who else?" Valdor asked in reply.

"I don't know," Bryth admitted. "Unless it was the Lord Primarchs."

"That is a possibility," Valdor said. "Though Lord Curze has never targeted me before."

"First time for everything, you say," Bryth said. "This was a good payback though."

"That it was," Valdor said, now back on the floor.

************************

The prank war continued, Magnus had to check memories to ensure that Sanguinius and Horus weren't disqualified for the Throneroom incident. Though it did bring up the question of Valdor being in the running to win the prank war. The winner was going to be determined by who pulled off the greatest prank. It was decided that Valdor was not in the running as he was unaware of the larger prank war.

The prank war was almost a living hell for Roboute. Almost instantly Konrad's giant rubber spider had sprung up in the residence. Someone, or possibly multiple someones, kept moving it around. It was hard to tell if it was just Konrad doing it because nearly everyone laughed when Roboute found it again. Lorgar started calling him "Girly-man" as a joke on his chosen last name.

Roboute got so annoyed with all of it that he temporarily moved in with Malcador. He wasn't sure if Konrad had gotten Malcador yet, but it had to be better than their residence. He had no idea how utterly wrong he was about that.

"Time to get up, Roboute," Malcador called into his spare room.  The two made their way into the living room to find a very large snake and the giant spider (both rubber) waiting for them. As if to add insult to injury, the snake was on Malcador's chair.

Magnus was on his way up to get Roboute when he heard the screaming. He spotted a Custodian and the two ran up the stairs to Malcador's tower. The Custodian knocked the door off its hinges to get access. 

Malcador had used his staff to flip the snake off his chair, and then set it on fire. Magnus approached the burning snake, and saw that it had formed a spiral where the snake's tail was at its mouth.

"Who did this? Someone put a rubber snake on my chair," Malcador said, clearly upset by the situation. Roboute was huddled in a corner while the Custodian dropped the spider from Malcador's balcony. 

"I will find out who did this, Lord Malcador," the Custodian said. "Do you wish them brought to you?"

"Yes," Malcador said sharply. Magnus and Roboute shared a glance with each other. Neither was sure if they should turn Konrad in and get him disqualified. After a moment they both decided not to tell. 

"I will also send a servitor to repair your door," the Custodian said, seeing how badly the door was damaged.

"No," Malcador said. "Whoever put that--- thing on my chair will repair my door."

"As you say," the Custodian said. He then turned and left Malcador with the two Primarchs.

"Father sent me to get you, Roboute," Magnus said after a moment of awkward silence. "He said to tell you that there were no spiders in the kitchen or dining room. Now we know why."

"Yes, we do," Roboute said. He followed Magnus out of Malcador's residence and back to their own. He also hoped that the spider hadn't survived the drop from Malcador's tower. He knew that rubber was very resilient though, so there was a possibility of it returning. 

+You're going to have to fix Uncle Malcador's door+ Magnus sent to Konrad.

+Why?+ Konrad asked.

+It's a war casualty+ Magnus said. +Custodian took it out trying to learn why Uncle Malcador was screaming.+

+Will I get my snake back if I do?+ Konrad asked.

+No+ Magnus said +it's dust now. He set it on fire.+

+What about the spider?+ 

+It's outside somewhere. The Custodian dropped it from the balcony.+

+Possibly recoverable then.+

*****************************

The Custodian was waiting for them when they got back from Nova. The remains of the rubber spider in his hand. It had nearly survived the fall, but even rubber had its limits. Roboute was a bit annoyed that it had survived at all. Konrad was happy to see it, but was aware that he was disqualified now.

"Lord Curze," the Custodian said. "You are to come with me, by demand of Lord Malcador."

"Alright," Konrad said, looking towards the ground. He followed the Custodian up to Malcador's and entered alone. He found the Emperor there along with Malcador.

"Your father tells me that there is a prank war going on between you," Malcador said. "Roboute also mentioned it. However, I was under the impression that I was going to be left out of it."

"I claimed the right to prank you," Konrad said quietly. "No one else was allowed to. You should be completely safe now."

"That is not my issue," Malcador said. "You say you claimed the right to prank me, why?"

"I realized that it was the perfect time to get you back for scaring me with that mask," Konrad said.

"That happened four years ago," Malcador said.

"Revenge is a dish best served cold," the Emperor said, breaking his silence.

"We are not Klingons," Malcador muttered. The Emperor smiled, but said nothing else.

"You were aware that you would be caught, right?" Malcador asked, turning his attention back to Konrad.

"Yes," Konrad said. "I was certain that I would be disqualified from the prank war because of this."

"Disqualified?" the Emperor asked.

"We're disqualified if we get caught, or if we hurt anyone," Konrad said. "I've been caught, so I'm out."

"How are you determining a winner?" Malcador asked.

"Whoever can pull off the greatest prank without getting caught," Konrad answered.

"Valdor's also out then," the Emperor said.

"Valdor was never in the war," Konrad said. "You're off-limits as a target. Horus and Sanguinius put the whoopie cushion on Valdor's chair, he moved it to the Throne."

"So you have no idea who's winning?" the Emperor asked.

"Not specifically," Konrad said. "I think whoever turned Rogal's hair blue is currently front-runner though."

"That is a good one," the Emperor said.

"Rogal's hair got turned blue?" Malcador said. "That explains the shaved head then."

"Yes," the Emperor and Konrad said together.

Konrad then set about fixing Malcador's door. He did feel a bit bad about causing a Custodian to nearly destroy the door. However, he felt sadder about the loss of his rubber snake and spider. He had had the spider for years, ever since learning of Roboute's distaste for spiders. The snake had been a more recent acquisition, though he had had plans for it. 

Konrad quickly discovered that he needed to remake the entire door. The Custodian had rammed into it pauldron first, and the door was completely warped. He was no where near the builder that some of his brothers were. However, he was capable enough to make a door. 

"Good thing I don't have homework tonight," Konrad said. "I have to make you a new door, Malcador."

"You should get started then," the Emperor said. 

"I'll find something worse than a mask to scare you with if there's anything snakey about my new door," Malcador warned.

"No snakes," Konrad said with a sneaky smile. "Got it." 

He headed off to the forges so that he had the things needed to make a door. He opted to reinforce the door about where the Custodian had rammed the original door. It made sense as it would make it less likely to need to be replaced again.

The door was finished almost an hour later. He had a few servitors haul it up to Malcador's tower so that he could place it in the door frame. He knew that putting the door in was part of his punishment. Also, it wasn't that hard to do, he just needed to be able to get up to the top.

"Very good, Konrad," Malcador said when Konrad had finished. "And not a snake to be seen."

"No snakes," Konrad said. "Just as requested."

"Let's go make sure your brothers haven't done something too egregious while we were here," the Emperor said. Konrad nodded at that, unsure if there had been any supervision while he had been making Malcador's door.

They entered the residence, and found that all was well. Or at least all looked well, nothing was on fire or anything. The looks he got from his brothers indicated what he had already known. He was disqualified, Roboute looked the happiest about that. 

"You have tomorrow to pull off final pranks," the Emperor said. The Primarchs all nodded their understanding and agreement to that.

***************************

"Ready?" Alpharius asked. Omegon nodded. Alpharius entered Lorgar's room, while Omegon went into Perturabo's. The plan was to swap Lorgar and Perturabo. Perturabo was a decently sound sleeper, and Lorgar was famous for it. The twins had grav sleds with them to make the swap easier. 

They came out at almost the same moment, and crossed the hall. It was perfect to swap these two brothers. Perturabo's distaste for religion was obvious, as was Lorgar's love of it. There was also the fact that they were directly across the hall from each other. The swap went smoothly, and the twins slipped back into their own room.

****************************

The morning came, and the Emperor began his morning round of waking Primarchs. At first, it was normal, the Lion asked for five more minutes and Alpharius said he would be out. He touched the spot on Two's door before waking Corvus, Fulgrim and Vulkan woke without issue, and then he was to the prank victims.

"WHY IS THERE RELIGIOUS STUFF IN MY ROOM?!?!" a very angry sounding Perturabo shouted from Lorgar's room.

"MY CULT PAMPHLETS!" came the dismayed voice of Lorgar from Perturabo's room. 

The Emperor shook his head, wondering who had pulled that swap off. He knocked, and opened the door to Lorgar's room. Perturabo barely managed to control his glare when the door opened.

"Rogal's gone too far," Perturabo growled.

"You aren't in your room," the Emperor said calmly. "Someone swapped you and Lorgar."

"That doesn't sound like Rogal," Perturabo said, clearly trying to calm himself.

"Indeed not," the Emperor said. "I would almost say Konrad, if he weren't disqualified."

"True," Perturabo said. "Though I think they have the lead now."

The Emperor stepped out of Lorgar's room, and went into Perturabo's room. He broke the news to Lorgar, who calmed a bit. His suspect was Roboute. The Emperor had nothing to say against that.

"Alright," the Emperor said when he had all of the Primarchs up and eating breakfast. "The prank war ends when you come back from Nova today. There will also be a reveal of who did what pranks, for those that we don't already know about."

"Right, Father," the Primarchs chorused together. 

The day went quickly for the Primarchs. There were no further pranks that day. Homework was done before they sat to do their reveals and announce the winner.

"So, who turned Rogal's hair blue?" the Emperor asked. It was the first prank that he knew of that was part of the war.

"Me," Ferrus said. "I was aiming for Fulgrim."

"You wound me brother," Fulgrim said. "I thought we were allies."

"In a prank war," Ferrus said. "I couldn't resist."

"I guess," Fulgrim said. Rogal managed a semi-apologetic glance to Perturabo for his reaction. 

"I put the spider out initially," Konrad said. "However, I am not the only one who moved it around.'

"I moved it too," Lorgar said. No one was surprised by that. 

"I as well," the Lion said.

"So did I," the Emperor revealed. Roboute gaped at his father, not sure how to react to that. Several of the other Primarchs were also surprised.

"We put the whoopie cushion on Valdor's chair," Sanguinius said, indicating Horus.

"I knew about that," the Emperor said. "I did get him back though."

"How?" Konrad asked, he hadn't heard of what had happened.

"I taped him to the ceiling of his chamber," the Emperor said.

"That must have been great," Konrad said. with a wide grin.

"I don't think he would agree with you," the Emperor said with a chuckle of his own.

"Who tied my shoe to the chair?" Corvus asked.

"Me," Vulkan said. "I'm amazed you didn't catch me."

"How about tying our shoes together?" Horus asked. It was his turn to indicate Sanguinius.

"Me," the Lion said. He had been inspired by Vulkan's prank on Corvus.

"Who put the bucket of water above the door?" Fulgrim asked.

"Me," Mortarion said. He had wanted to do something better, but couldn't think of anything that was sure to not injure someone.

"Now for the great question," Perturabo said. "Who swapped Lorgar and I last night?"

"I did," Alpharius said.

"How?!" Lorgar asked.

"I used a grav sled," Alpharius said. "Also it was super easy because of the room layout."

"That makes sense," Perturabo said. He felt that he would have done that if he had been Alpharius.

"I think Alpharius wins then," Horus said. "That's probably the greatest prank that was done. That didn't involve anyone getting caught."

"Indeed," the Emperor said. Konrad nodded, he was certain that if he hadn't been caught for his Malcador prank he would have won with it.